Somewhere else

“Are you going somewhere during spring break? “

She responded by a lifeless “I have nowhere to go.”

I should’ve probably pitied her at that moment but I strangely felt envious of her resolution.  It’s as if she was telling me that even though she was not particularly joyful she didn’t have any place she wanted to go. Because the people she believes in are beside her, ergo, going anywhere wouldn’t make her happier.  It’s like she was trusting her actual entourage and wasn’t hoping of meeting someone in another place that would enlighten her life. Unlike me.

I moved to so many places and meet new faces every few years yet I felt jealous of that girl who had nowhere to go. Since she had something and I did not. A place to call home; where you can feel that it doesn’t matter if you don’t go anywhere and just stay still. This place filled with people you don’t want being apart from even though it’s hard or sad to be beside them. I coveted this kind of place because no matter where I went  I never encountered someone who made me want to stay.

So what if I visited so many countries/cities, met countless faces, learned new languages and subsisted in so many cultures; I still don’t have a place to call home and I still don’t trust people. That’s why I always have somewhere I want to go, wherever it might be. Even though, I strongly acknowledge that it’s not the places; it’s the people.

However, lately I have been thinking that my happiness should not depend on others perspectives or feeling. I thought I was old enough to be more reasonable but I am still strangely repulsed by other’s  average thinking. I still have so many difficulties with small talks because, honestly, I don’t care about the weather, the boy/girl you’re sleeping with or your new smartphone. I just want us to share our flaws, our worst nightmares, our blunders, ours hopes and perhaps our happiness. Though, humankind might think I’m insane.

Nowadays, I gaze more at trees, rivers, bridges, roads and sometimes; the sky-anything that is less human-, therefore, I rarely met the eyes of a stranger. Nevertheless, I guess I’m still looking for that person whom I can call home since I want to go somewhere else once again.